Don't Hate Me Because I'm Brain Damaged

"Procrastination is like Masturbation: In the end you're just screwing yourself."

Is it procrastination if you forget to do it? My current situation is clearly karma kicking my ass for bitching at my husband about forgetting to do things. His excuse was always, "Well, I knew I had to do it, but then... I don't know, the phone rang, or something came up, and I just forgot."

It was enough to make me want to spit.

Now I'm the one doing it. The universe has an exceptionally twisted sense of humor.

Today I screwed up and forgot about a lunch meeting I'd arranged with a friend. This, mind you, was a meeting that had been scheduled for Friday. On Friday I showed up at the restaurant half an hour early and then couldn't figure out where she was. I left after 25 minutes only to find out when I went home that a) I hadn't actually responded to her email confirming the meeting, and b) it was for 12:30 not 12:00.

I am a train wreck. The sucky part about crap like this is that I was so sure I had the correct time/date etc. It was in my head. I also thought I'd responded to the email. Apparently, what happened was that I thought about responding. I considered what I would say, I formulated a response, and then....something came up, the phone rang, etc. and I forgot to do it.

The pity of it all was that while I was dressing to go and getting all excited about having a nice lunch with good conversation, nothing triggered in my head that I hadn't actually confirmed this meeting. Nothing triggered while I waited at the restaurant. Nothing triggered at all. Zip, zero, zilch, until I went home and checked the email and then, only then, a sneaking suspicion crept in and whispered, "Did you send her an email with a definitive 'yes'?". When I checked my Sent file, the answer was "No".

I can't tell you how many times I've done things like this. Not only is it frustrating to me, it's also annoying to my friends and family. Honestly, I'm not trying to be an asshole, I just can't help it. It wouldn't be so bad if I'd always been an asshole, but I think that, before, I wasn't an asshole, or, at least, not this much of an asshole. Now, I look back on my less assholey times with fond remembrance and nostalgia.

Most of my friends "get it". They know what's going on and cut me a great deal of slack, which while wonderful and appreciated, sometimes makes me feel worse because it highlights the differences between us. THEY are GOOD friends, I am a BAD friend. The subtext here is that I don't deserve GOOD friends. But enough with the self pity, I'm trying, and I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by many people who are understanding and patient.

There are so many different things that are destabilized because of this injury. You can compare it to a crack in ice or glass - what might start as one crack or impact spiders out into hundreds of tiny cracks that destroy the integrity of the entire piece.

Isolation is not helpful, I know that. So although I feel like I'm a horrible friend, I still need to contact people and interact with them. It's all too easy to cut myself off completely. Social interaction is tiring, I have to be "on" in order to respond intelligently and have conversations. I forget to make phone calls, I forget to send thank you notes. Currently, I owe four people thank you notes, and one person a sympathy note. At this point, it's a sympathy/apology note since it's been weeks since the loss. I hate this. All of these people that I am snubbing and offending are people I care about, and although they probably feel like I don't give a shit about them, I do think of them often, will love and regret and anxiety and wish that I could be better for them, because they deserve better from me.

I keep thinking that at some point this will get better, my life will calm down, I will find a better system, my brain will miraculously snap back into fighting form, and I will be my old self again. When that happens I will make it up to all the friends and family members who went through the "bad times" with me. They will all smile fondly and nod, murmuring to each other that it was just as they suspected, an unfortunate phase. They knew I'd get better all along.

Sadly, that isn't going to happen. This is me. I shall continue to forget to return calls. Birthday cards will be purchase but remain unsent. Presents wrapped and stored and then forgotten. Appointments will be missed. Just remember, if I accidentally hurt you with an over site or memory slip, I hurt myself as well. We're in this together, I just hope you're all still in this with me.