Year's End

"In depression...faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come, not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul." -William Styron, from 'Darkness Visible; A Memoir of Madness', 1990






I've always hated this time of year. The languishing between Christmas and the New Year, brimming with disappointed Christmas wishes and overflowing with the promise of the new, seems each year more and more like a rip tide pulling me down into the darkening depths of futility.

This year is no different. Apart from successfully negotiating my coursework (no small feat, that), I've had precious little go right this year. Health and finances are a mess, as are almost all of my relationships and I just can't seem to get a handle on all the paperwork and bills that are still looming.

I'm trying, still, to get it together. I've got to finish an application essay tonight and tomorrow will be spent trying to tie up the loose financial ends from 2009. Will I get it all done? I hope so. The application is paramount, since there were others involved and after folks agreed to recommend me, it just seems ungrateful not to finish the application even if, at this particular moment, I don't feel like either writing or continuing with this educational slog.

My husband is in Minnesota at the moment and not speaking to me. True. I started it. I didn't want to talk to him yesterday. I was exhausted, had spent literally hours getting multiple medical tests done yesterday and then ran around returning gifts. By the time I finally got home I could barely string two words together and I just wanted to go to bed. Since the majority of our phone conversations over the past few days had left me feeling a bit glum and unsatisfied, I thought perhaps going straight to bed might be the better option.

He took umbrage, left me an email saying he knew I was there and wondered if I'd call him back, and asked me to call him when I felt up to speaking with him. Which I did. Today. Guess what? He didn't answer.

So I texted him. Guess what? He didn't answer.
I just called him again and...guess what? If you said, "He didn't answer," you'd be correct. Sorry. There is no prize.

So now I'm mad, he's mad. Everyone is mad. Of course he doesn't actually have to do anything that requires his brain. I'm the one who has to write a stunning application letter while I'm fuming. Always works out like that doesn't it?

Did I mention that heightened emotions especially anger and frustration really don't go well with brain injury. Yes, those are two of the things that most easily derail cognitive functioning.

So thanks for that.

Btw, so this isn't just a total rant about my crap. The following link is to a rather good article about brain injury and depression. Check it out.

http://braininjury.org.au/portal/psychological/depression-following-acquired-brain-injury----fact-sheet.html

Yeah, Christmas, Whatever.

Christmas has appeared almost without warning. Yes, I know they've been decorating store and selling Christmas crap since October but I didn't think it was THIS WEEK! Sometimes the whole time slip thing sneaks up on me. I am, as usual, woefully unprepared and would prefer to have approximately four extra days before the holiday.

Such hype, such elevated expectations for one day. Really, can't we all just settle for just a bit less this year. Folks at my house will have to since I am a) broke and b) still overwhelmed post semester. Somehow I haven't quite bounced back from the "big push" of the final three weeks. Between finishing papers and projects and studying for the GRE and filling out applications, well, as the Brits would say I'm well and truly knackered.

I've still got some Practicum stuff to finish up and would like to go to put in some hours tomorrow as they're having their party for the clients. But honestly, my sleep has been crap for the last three weeks and I just can't seem to get it back on track.

I've only the week between xmas and New Year's off, as classes restart on the 4th. This is causing me no end of sadness. That, coupled with the fact that my finances are so depleted this year there will be no going away to ring in the year. Traditionally, I hide on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I've done it for years. Parties are awful and disappointing. Lots of drunken idiots you don't know wishing you a happy year. Bah. Since '00 I've generally stayed home with a book and a movie and had a much better time. Actually, I prefer to be at the beach. Not necessarily anywhere warm, just near an ocean. I was hoping to sneak away for a day or two this year but I don't think that's possible.

Besides, I still have the piles (PILES) of paperwork that has been collecting over the last three months that needs my attention. I have a think about tying up all the old business before starting the new year.

I guess on some level keeping myself insanely busy forced me to maintain as much focus as possible. Exhausting, yes, but now there's the mountain of paperwork and office organization that I desperately need to do, but without a looming deadline from someone else (and no grade hanging over my head) I just can't seem to get it done.

Honestly, I'd just like to be a slug for about a week, watching old movies and doing a bit of needlepoint and painting. I'd like to simply let my brain do nothing. Ok, I was planning on cleaning off the treadmill and getting a bit of exercise too. But nothing cerebral. Nothing stressful. Nothing RUSHED. I'd planned as little driving as possible (preferably none) between the holidays but those plans are trashed (the hubby is going to Minnesota with his cousin so I'll be driving myself wherever I need to go).

There's never enough time. Days slip by and I don't seem to accomplish even a minimum of what I need to be getting done. I know this sounds like eveyone's life, but it didn't use to be mine. Not in this way. I still can't get used to it.

Missing In Action: The Blog's Not Over Yet

I have been remiss. Yes, I promised myself that I would post every day but if I've learned one thing in the last few months it is that I need to prioritize and I need to accommodate to what it possible for me. During this past month it was imperative that I make my classes a priority. This left little time for anything else. Between classes, doctoring, and my practicum, well, there was no social life, little sleep, and some downward mobility when it came to eating well and exercising.

Classes ended on Friday, today I'm finishing some doctoral program applications and Tuesday I take the GRE, so the big push isn't really over yet. I also have about 8 hours to finish for the practicum. Wednesday. Wednesday will be the official end of this crazy ride.

I wasn't able to write yesterday (the day originally slated as "Application Day") and I'm chalking that up to forcing myself to function at near exhaustion for the last week and a half. But after a solid 10 hours of sleep last night (I was in bed at 8pm) my brain is working much better today. Strangely, my time perception today is incredibly skewed. Hours are passing VERY S-L-O-W-L-Y. It's impossible to tell if this is due to the extended sleep or just the fact that I don't have to race off to class or an appointment and I'm not scrambling to finish a research paper, or if it's just my brain being strange. Perception of time is one of the things that definitely changed with the injury.

I am officially recommitting to this project. I actually missed writing here. There were days when I'd had experienced that were pertinent and wanted to write about them but was just way too tired to do it justice. I would like this blog to be more than just a diary of my trials and tribulations. I would like it to be useful and educational as well.

So, from now on, I'm back on the program and will be writing here as often as possible. Hopefully that will be everyday, but I have to admit that perhaps the "daily writing" goal was a bit over enthusiastic. That's not saying I won't write everyday, but I'll be happy with three times a week, and will attempt to make these entries meaningful, not just a dutiful few lines logged in order to fulfill my self-imposed requirement.

With that, I'm going back to writing my personal statement. Wish me luck.