Soldiering On

"It does not matter how slow you go, as long as you do not stop." Confucius

I've been less that dedicated to this blog lately, and that saddens me. This was something that I wanted to commit to and when I let it slip, I feel like it just one more way I let myself down. There are other priorities to be considered and sometimes, this is the lowest, that's just the truth of it. In the spirit of this project I have to acknowledge that it's better to let something like this slip for a bit, than to overly stress myself or stay up to late, etc.

Just because something is the right choice and makes the best sense doesn't mean I have to like it.

I've started doing yoga again, and that is definitely improving my pain levels and my flexibility. (Shocker, eh?) I have also started meditating again. It's just a simple mindfulness meditation practice that I've been doing before bed, but I think it's helping. I plan on trying to keep up both the yoga and the meditation and I think that is possible. Most of the large projects for this semester are finished, so things are not quite as desperate now. I still to catch up on Practicum hours but I think that will work itself out.

Hopefully, I can get some extra hours over the Thanksgiving break.

All that being said, I still can't wait till this semester is over. I wish I could go away for a week or even just a long weekend in December but I don't think that is possible considering the current state of my finances. Odds are my unemployment will be denied and that's going to hurt. This will also impact how I structure the next several months and what classes I take. I would really like to slow down a bit. Given the craziness of this semester, taking five classes while doing Practicum/Internship hours might not be the best choice for me. Unfortunately, delaying classes or taking fewer classes per semester could mean that my graduation would be delayed and that worries me, because, of course, that means a longer wait till I can start working in this field.

I think I'll be taking four next semester. Mondays and Wednesdays will be class days - there is a five week compressed course being offered in Philly that I would like to take but I think having the extra day off (or reserved for internship hours) and the reduction in driving is more important at this point.

Choices

"It is our choices that show who we really are... far more than our abilities." J. K. Rowling

In the midst of all this overwhelming work - practicum hours, papers, projects, doctoring, legal battles, caring for Gram - there are choices to be made. I need to think about the next phase of my education. Am I going on for PsyD or Phd work? I need to start applying for that. What classes am I taking next semester? How many?

Since I'm not working at the moment, I have to think about cash flow. It's still flowing out. That doesn't stop just because no more cash is flowing in. I'm ok for tuition as I've taken out loans but not working is making me a little crazy. I still have bills. I have LOTS of bills. I'm working on getting unemployment or temporary disability, and I can't fully express how negatively that is affecting me. Unemployment is one thing, disability is another. I don't want to admit that I have a disability, but I do.

I don't want to tell people about what's going on. "Saving face" and keeping up appearances is so important to me. Honestly, I wish I didn't care about that stuff, but I do and I don't know how to get out of that loop in my head. I called a prof today to tell him I couldn't make it to class. One of Gram's caregivers is sick, so I needed to be here with her, of course that's really an excuse I was looking for as I was exhausted from last night's class and didn't sleep well. I have a 10 page paper that is due on Monday and I'm fuzzy today. So I'm home, trying to work on this research, and I keep thinking about all this other stuff. I don't know if I will be able to take the number of courses I want to take next semester.

This semester was so difficult, part of me really wants to slow down a bit and only take three courses, but I also desperately want to finish this degree so I can attempt to get a job.

Unfortunately, my experiences this semester make me wonder if I can handle a 9-5 job. Honestly, I probably can't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to work a schedule like that. So what are my options? Part time practice and part time doctoral work? Full time doctoral work? Is it even worth it if I won't be able to work full time? Will it be worth paying off the student loans?

Maybe I should just stop at the Master's level? Then again, what's the point of having a semi-useful M.S. degree? But what's the point of a Phd or PsyD if I can't work? I keep telling myself that a private practice would allow me to arrange my schedule so I could work. You know, keep it to a manageable amount, etc. But I'm not at all sure that is a realistic possibility. I see how people work and what people do at my practicum and that is not what I want from a job. I hope that isn't the only option for mental health providers.

I hope I can make it through this semester with decent grades. Today's missed class may hurt me. Who knows? I do well in the class, at least I think I do, but attendance does count. I don't want to tell profs and people that I have these issues, largely because they are generally invisible - unless you're looking. Today, on the phone, I sounded like an idiot because I was having a very difficult time understanding Dr. E. That's me, that's my brain - I can't stand talking on the phone with people anymore. Unless it's someone I know and speak to on the phone often, it is tremendously difficult for me to understand and process language.

I don't know how to let people know about my difficulties (disabilities) without having them think less of me. I don't want to sound like a whiner, or like I am asking for special treatment. At the same time, I don't want anyone to misinterpret my behaviour and think I'm an asshole or inefficient or lazy.

Even though I have choices, many times there is no satisfying solution.

Beautifall

"You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live." Joan Baez

It's a gorgeous day, about 75 degrees and I've been inside all day. The last few weeks has been full of scrambling to finish projects and get caught up. I'm still woefully behind in terms of Practicum hours but I soldier on.

It's 3:30 and I am leaving - right now. To go wash my car and go for a short walk. The day is too beautiful to waste. Sure, I'll pay for this later as this week shows no signs of being easier or less overscheduled. I lost time yesterday with visitors but that was worth it. Everyone needs some socialization and that includes me.

I really am seeing the effects of brain problems. The more stressed I get the easier it is for me to get off track cognitively, and, of course, memory is affected. My Culture class was cancelled the week before last and I couldn't remember that at Friday's class. There were also some assignments that I missed. I STILL don't understand that. Everyone else seemed to have them but I didn't. I even went home and checked online and couldn't find information on the course website either. Honestly, I have no idea what happened there and how I got so confused. It really felt like I'd lose time somehow. I think I managed to cover - mostly, but it's an awful feeling not knowing what's going on yet being perfectly aware that you've missed something vital - again.

Right now, however, it is vital that I get outside while the sun is shining.