"It is our choices that show who we really are... far more than our abilities." J. K. Rowling
In the midst of all this overwhelming work - practicum hours, papers, projects, doctoring, legal battles, caring for Gram - there are choices to be made. I need to think about the next phase of my education. Am I going on for PsyD or Phd work? I need to start applying for that. What classes am I taking next semester? How many?
Since I'm not working at the moment, I have to think about cash flow. It's still flowing out. That doesn't stop just because no more cash is flowing in. I'm ok for tuition as I've taken out loans but not working is making me a little crazy. I still have bills. I have LOTS of bills. I'm working on getting unemployment or temporary disability, and I can't fully express how negatively that is affecting me. Unemployment is one thing, disability is another. I don't want to admit that I have a disability, but I do.
I don't want to tell people about what's going on. "Saving face" and keeping up appearances is so important to me. Honestly, I wish I didn't care about that stuff, but I do and I don't know how to get out of that loop in my head. I called a prof today to tell him I couldn't make it to class. One of Gram's caregivers is sick, so I needed to be here with her, of course that's really an excuse I was looking for as I was exhausted from last night's class and didn't sleep well. I have a 10 page paper that is due on Monday and I'm fuzzy today. So I'm home, trying to work on this research, and I keep thinking about all this other stuff. I don't know if I will be able to take the number of courses I want to take next semester.
This semester was so difficult, part of me really wants to slow down a bit and only take three courses, but I also desperately want to finish this degree so I can attempt to get a job.
Unfortunately, my experiences this semester make me wonder if I can handle a 9-5 job. Honestly, I probably can't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to work a schedule like that. So what are my options? Part time practice and part time doctoral work? Full time doctoral work? Is it even worth it if I won't be able to work full time? Will it be worth paying off the student loans?
Maybe I should just stop at the Master's level? Then again, what's the point of having a semi-useful M.S. degree? But what's the point of a Phd or PsyD if I can't work? I keep telling myself that a private practice would allow me to arrange my schedule so I could work. You know, keep it to a manageable amount, etc. But I'm not at all sure that is a realistic possibility. I see how people work and what people do at my practicum and that is not what I want from a job. I hope that isn't the only option for mental health providers.
I hope I can make it through this semester with decent grades. Today's missed class may hurt me. Who knows? I do well in the class, at least I think I do, but attendance does count. I don't want to tell profs and people that I have these issues, largely because they are generally invisible - unless you're looking. Today, on the phone, I sounded like an idiot because I was having a very difficult time understanding Dr. E. That's me, that's my brain - I can't stand talking on the phone with people anymore. Unless it's someone I know and speak to on the phone often, it is tremendously difficult for me to understand and process language.
I don't know how to let people know about my difficulties (disabilities) without having them think less of me. I don't want to sound like a whiner, or like I am asking for special treatment. At the same time, I don't want anyone to misinterpret my behaviour and think I'm an asshole or inefficient or lazy.
Even though I have choices, many times there is no satisfying solution.
In the midst of all this overwhelming work - practicum hours, papers, projects, doctoring, legal battles, caring for Gram - there are choices to be made. I need to think about the next phase of my education. Am I going on for PsyD or Phd work? I need to start applying for that. What classes am I taking next semester? How many?
Since I'm not working at the moment, I have to think about cash flow. It's still flowing out. That doesn't stop just because no more cash is flowing in. I'm ok for tuition as I've taken out loans but not working is making me a little crazy. I still have bills. I have LOTS of bills. I'm working on getting unemployment or temporary disability, and I can't fully express how negatively that is affecting me. Unemployment is one thing, disability is another. I don't want to admit that I have a disability, but I do.
I don't want to tell people about what's going on. "Saving face" and keeping up appearances is so important to me. Honestly, I wish I didn't care about that stuff, but I do and I don't know how to get out of that loop in my head. I called a prof today to tell him I couldn't make it to class. One of Gram's caregivers is sick, so I needed to be here with her, of course that's really an excuse I was looking for as I was exhausted from last night's class and didn't sleep well. I have a 10 page paper that is due on Monday and I'm fuzzy today. So I'm home, trying to work on this research, and I keep thinking about all this other stuff. I don't know if I will be able to take the number of courses I want to take next semester.
This semester was so difficult, part of me really wants to slow down a bit and only take three courses, but I also desperately want to finish this degree so I can attempt to get a job.
Unfortunately, my experiences this semester make me wonder if I can handle a 9-5 job. Honestly, I probably can't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to work a schedule like that. So what are my options? Part time practice and part time doctoral work? Full time doctoral work? Is it even worth it if I won't be able to work full time? Will it be worth paying off the student loans?
Maybe I should just stop at the Master's level? Then again, what's the point of having a semi-useful M.S. degree? But what's the point of a Phd or PsyD if I can't work? I keep telling myself that a private practice would allow me to arrange my schedule so I could work. You know, keep it to a manageable amount, etc. But I'm not at all sure that is a realistic possibility. I see how people work and what people do at my practicum and that is not what I want from a job. I hope that isn't the only option for mental health providers.
I hope I can make it through this semester with decent grades. Today's missed class may hurt me. Who knows? I do well in the class, at least I think I do, but attendance does count. I don't want to tell profs and people that I have these issues, largely because they are generally invisible - unless you're looking. Today, on the phone, I sounded like an idiot because I was having a very difficult time understanding Dr. E. That's me, that's my brain - I can't stand talking on the phone with people anymore. Unless it's someone I know and speak to on the phone often, it is tremendously difficult for me to understand and process language.
I don't know how to let people know about my difficulties (disabilities) without having them think less of me. I don't want to sound like a whiner, or like I am asking for special treatment. At the same time, I don't want anyone to misinterpret my behaviour and think I'm an asshole or inefficient or lazy.
Even though I have choices, many times there is no satisfying solution.
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