Year's End

"In depression...faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come, not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul." -William Styron, from 'Darkness Visible; A Memoir of Madness', 1990






I've always hated this time of year. The languishing between Christmas and the New Year, brimming with disappointed Christmas wishes and overflowing with the promise of the new, seems each year more and more like a rip tide pulling me down into the darkening depths of futility.

This year is no different. Apart from successfully negotiating my coursework (no small feat, that), I've had precious little go right this year. Health and finances are a mess, as are almost all of my relationships and I just can't seem to get a handle on all the paperwork and bills that are still looming.

I'm trying, still, to get it together. I've got to finish an application essay tonight and tomorrow will be spent trying to tie up the loose financial ends from 2009. Will I get it all done? I hope so. The application is paramount, since there were others involved and after folks agreed to recommend me, it just seems ungrateful not to finish the application even if, at this particular moment, I don't feel like either writing or continuing with this educational slog.

My husband is in Minnesota at the moment and not speaking to me. True. I started it. I didn't want to talk to him yesterday. I was exhausted, had spent literally hours getting multiple medical tests done yesterday and then ran around returning gifts. By the time I finally got home I could barely string two words together and I just wanted to go to bed. Since the majority of our phone conversations over the past few days had left me feeling a bit glum and unsatisfied, I thought perhaps going straight to bed might be the better option.

He took umbrage, left me an email saying he knew I was there and wondered if I'd call him back, and asked me to call him when I felt up to speaking with him. Which I did. Today. Guess what? He didn't answer.

So I texted him. Guess what? He didn't answer.
I just called him again and...guess what? If you said, "He didn't answer," you'd be correct. Sorry. There is no prize.

So now I'm mad, he's mad. Everyone is mad. Of course he doesn't actually have to do anything that requires his brain. I'm the one who has to write a stunning application letter while I'm fuming. Always works out like that doesn't it?

Did I mention that heightened emotions especially anger and frustration really don't go well with brain injury. Yes, those are two of the things that most easily derail cognitive functioning.

So thanks for that.

Btw, so this isn't just a total rant about my crap. The following link is to a rather good article about brain injury and depression. Check it out.

http://braininjury.org.au/portal/psychological/depression-following-acquired-brain-injury----fact-sheet.html