"The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to." ~F. Scott Fitzgerald
Pay no attention to the time stamp on this post, the clock on my computer is wrong. The clock on the table beside my bed is correct, however distasteful that may be, and it reads "2:46 a.m.".
Now it is 2:47.
I could keep posting like this. Listing the minutes I am awake.
There's no way to tell exactly what is keeping me up. It could be pain. My jaw aches. This is from my back, and shoulder, and neck. Now my head is hurting as well. This is the punch-drunk headache that comes with lack of sleep and sleep has been all too rare in the last four days. It could be my lower back which is also hurting. Who knows? Does it matter?
All that matters is I am awake. Again. And it is now 2:50.
I never realized how bright this laptop screen is until now, using it in a darkened room.
Maybe it's the bed, lumpy and unknown. Or the A/C unit, which began clicking intermittently about an hour ago. I got up and turned it down, fearing that it had iced over. It's an ancient window unit that the management has permanently installed in the back wall of the room. Maybe it used to be a window. It's hard to tell. there is a window above the dresser that was obviously boarded up. Although "boarded up" is perhaps too harsh a term, invoking images of plywood and crack houses. The window is no longer a window, however there is a pinprick of light that comes in through the upper right-hand corner. The laptop is too bright for me to see it right now.
One of the characters in David Lynch's "Twin Peaks" said, "Sleep deprivation is the shortest road to insanity." I believe that is true. I also believe it was a character in "Twin Peaks" but I may be wrong. I'm wrong about a lot lately. My ratio of wrong to right is directly proportional to the amount of sleep I don't get.
You can imagine how wrong I'm going to be tomorrow. I mean today.
My husband is snoozing happily on the other side of the bed and I hate him for it. Hating people who have the ability to sleep is my new hobby. The jealously I feel for "good sleepers" brims with rage. I want to wake them all. Why should they get to sleep when I can't? What horrible thing did I do to deserve the curse of insomnia?
The worst part about all this is that I know how integral sleep is to healing, especially healing for all the issues that plague me. Your brain doesn't get better if you don't sleep. Sleep deprivation increases ALL of my other symptoms: aphasia, fuzzy thinking, forgetfullness, irritability, emotional lability, sensitivity to pain, etc.
I know this, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Before bed tonight, I took my prescribed muscle relaxant, a painkiller, and two gabapentin (Neurontin) which is actually an anti-seizure medication that is used (off-label) for sleep and pain and apparently a host of other things. Everyone keeps telling me how great this drug is, other than having a possible side effect of weight gain. Hmmm? Is that why I look like a beached whale. Of course not sleeping can also disrupt metabolism and cortisol levels.
Everything is connected.
It's 3:03.
If I were in Atlantic City I could wander over to one of the casinos and sit there playing the slots till dawn. I wouldn't even register the passing of time; you can never see any windows from the casino floor so you don't know if it's day or night. Cities like Atlantic City and Vegas were made for insomniacs.
4 a.m. is probably when I'll fall asleep, if I'm lucky. Maybe not even then. Before I started writing this I was planning where I might be able to sleep tomorrow. Is there room for me to stretch out behind my tent on the boardwalk? Could I lie there like a homeless drunk, sprawled on the wooden decking, arm slung over my face and sleep while the crowds shuffle past the line of artists' tents? Am I that desperate?
The answer to that last question is definitely "yes". I'm not sure about the others.
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