I Am a Waste of Space

"The most useless are those who never change through the years." James M. Barrie (1860 - 1937)

Fuckers. I hate everyone. I HATE THEM. All of you. I don't even care who you are I hate you.

I am insanely pissed off right now. And crying. They are the tears of the impotent. I am the most fucking useless person in the world. I should die. It would free up some oxygen for someone more worthy.

I can't do anything right. I can't even make a phone call. I can't remember to pay my bills. I can't keep my house clean and organized. I can't keep appointments. I forget everything.

Please. I just want this to stop. I just want to go back to normal when EVERYTHING wasn' t hard. Everything is difficult now and I just feel so fucking useless. Even when I try to do something correctly I screw it up.

Today I called to register for my Fall classes. I got an answering machine. I decided to call back since it was around lunch. When I called back, just now, I got ANOTHER answering machine that told me that their office closed today at 3. (Of COURSE it did. EVERY office closes at 3pm.) And that any message left regarding registration would be process on Monday and subject to the Late Registration Fee.

Because I'm in a shitty depressed place today I'm ready to tell them to shove their fucking degree and keep their "Late Registration Fee" and the rest of my tuition. This is stupid and irrational. I know that. But I'm still pissed that they didn't mention on the first message that you'd better call back by THREE because after that we're all going home and F-U if you call later.

Nice.

I wish I had a job that started at 9 and ended at 3 every day. Nice work if you can get it.

Fuckers.

(I curse like a sailor when I'm "in the bad place". I'm "in the bad place" today. You may have already noticed that.)

I was supposed to be camping with some friends this weekend. That was before my husband decided to work and I got jangled in the stupid fender-bender. This couple will surely hate us(me) if they don't already. I don't return calls. I bail on plans. I am useless.

Things I need to do:

Pick up another pair of glasses

Pay bills

Clean

Organize

Register for classes

Call my lawyer

Call my other lawyer

Call OVR

Go through my trashed paintings

Do a painting for an exhibit on Sunday

Clean

Cry

Pay more bills

None of these things are going to get done. They're on my PermaList. That's the list of things that I always have to do, and never do.

Oh, yeah, and I have to send an eviction letter to my tenant. Fun.

What I want to do is go to the shore. I really need a couple of days (weeks) near the ocean, minus the destruction of last Sunday. That would help immensely. Of course that isn't going to happen either. Neither am I going to be able to buy the insanely cheap house at the beach because a) I suddenly have no money because my last class was canceled and my unemployment was denied, b) my husband refused to refinance our warehouse building while he actually HAD a job and c) I still haven't gotten the settlement check from my lawyer.

Crawling under my desk and curling up into a little ball seems like an appropriate action right now.