Nothin' But A Heartache

"It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence." Mahatma Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

I think, perhaps, my marriage ended tonight. My heart is violent, and he can no longer stand to look into me and see how much anger and disappointment and despair clashes around inside. Maybe he never could.

I have often thought people stronger than they are, and found myself disappointed when their weakness showed. It tended to reflect my own; that was really the part I couldn't stand.

In many ways I am inside-out now. Never good at outright lies, I could, nevertheless, hide my feelings fairly well. As a child I was bullied in school; a walking cliche, the fat, smart girl with glasses. It became necessary to hide my true feelings. My mother's advice was, "Never let them see it bothers you. If you don't get upset, they'll lose interest and leave you alone." It was the emotional equivalent of playing dead until the bear gets full and stops gnawing on you, and equally painful. But it worked. Years later people who had terrorized me in junior high became friends who were honestly shocked when I told them how much their threats and teasing had upset me. "But it never seemed to bother you," was the typical reply.

I was good then; now, not so much.

My anger is right there - just below the surface, visible like a strong pulse. And honestly, I'm tried of trying to hold it in. It is hard. I don't have the strength anymore. Especially not when I am tired or stressed or in physical pain.

So this relationship, which had been so fraught with drama and difficulty from the start, is dying. Maybe it never should have been in the first place. There was a reason we didn't get married 15 years ago, perhaps it is still a valid reason today. Maybe it's the reason we are falling apart now.

We both know that if we weren't married, we would not still be together.

So why are we?