Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

"Indecision may or may not be my problem." Jimmy Buffet

There are days when choosing a cereal for breakfast can reduce me to tears. On those days I have learned to abandon the choosing process altogether and have frozen waffles, ideally with kiwi, blueberries and agave syrup. Then there are days when I actually have what might be considered an important decision to make. Those can be nearly impossible to manage.

Today, for instance, I thought I'd made a decision and then totally freaked out about it.

We were planning to go to Baltimore. Actually, the plan was to visit my husband's cousin who recently had a heart attack. He's fine now - back to work, all is well, etc., but I think it gave my husband a scare. His cousin is several years younger than he is. And they haven't seen each other in a while, and the cousin has a newish baby and we owe them a visit. In addition, cousin's mom is in town and that made this weekend even more appealing. (My husband is fond of this Aunt.)

So, the plan was visit w/ hubby's clan on Saturday, stay the night is Baltimore and then see the Jellyfish exhibit at the Baltimore Aquarium, spend the day wandering around Inner Harbor and then head home in the early evening. We booked at room. We bought tickets. Everything was in place.

Then I went over to my mom's house to check on my grandmother. She was watching Oprah. Suze Orman was on telling people what they could and could not afford. (Suze would tell us we can NOT afford to go to Baltimore.) And I freaked out. Panic. Full blown, shaking, nausea, the whole enchilada.

My Executive Functioning is on vacation. Permanently.

I called my husband and told him to cancel the reservations. We couldn't go. Nope. We can't afford it. Not now. Not ever.

He explained to me that this was going to cost a whopping 200 bucks and I needed to chill out. I was adamant. We were not going. Going would ruin us. We would be destitute. We weren't going anywhere until HE had three to six months worth of salary safely stashed in a savings account. Then, and only then, could he even approach the subject of a weekend trip with me.

I was a basket case.

I felt like I had chosen the Count Chocula when I really should have had the Fiber One.

All this on top of the fact that I'm freaking out about the upcoming semester and still have work to do for the classes I am teaching. I'm in panic mode about my own earnings and potential earnings this Fall, especially since I won't be paid for the class I'm teaching online until mid semester. (If you are teaching an online class, the assumption is that you don't need to pay monthly bills. ((Shit. I wrote that yesterday, or the day before, didn't I?)) ) (I was wondering when I'd start repeating myself here.)

Did I mention the house is still in complete disorder? I'd wanted everything perfect and well organized before the Fall semester started so it would be easier to deal with the new schedule. I can't tell you how many times I dash from my car to the house, to my car, to the house, and back again, grabbing things I'd "almost" forgotten on my way out the door. An organized home would streamline these processes and greatly lessen my stress. This is all good for my brain and just makes everything better.

Let me recap: we were wasting out last dime on a trip to the aquarium, I had tons of work to do this weekend, our house looked like a war zone and I was hungry. Never discount the importance of hunger when someone is teetering on the edge of a breakdown. Hunger will always push them over the edge.

I took a Valium.

It was the easy way out but I was not going to be able to function otherwise.

After the drug kicked in, I managed to whip up a lovely dinner (Picadillo in Zucchini Boats, Fried Plantains, and an Orange, Watermelon and Cantaloupe Salad.), while my husband took some art stuff to my studio, thus creating more space in the house. He's straightening up the upstairs while I'm writing this and things are looking better. We decided before dinner to go on the trip anyway. I will take my laptop and work in the car on the drive down, and there is WiFi at the hotel.

All will be well. Disaster was averted (at least I hope it was). Hopefully, we will have a lovely trip and I'll get my work done and we won't end up in bankruptcy. And I might even figure out how to stick to a single verb tense in my next entry.

This constant quivering indecision and second guessing, however, is unsettling. At best, it makes me feel like a five-year-old, at its worst, it makes me feel crazy. I could write more about this and I will in the future. How the idea that one innocent decision leads to irreversible results that can affect your entire life (if I hadn't stopped to get orange juice on the way home, I would have passed that intersection earlier and never gotten in the accident)....well... it's enough to paralyze you if you let it.

I try not to let it get to me, but some days, like today, the "what ifs" get the better of me.