Takin' the Red Eye

"Hysteria is only possible with an audience." Chuck Palahnuik (1962 - ), Invisible Monsters, 1999.

The small red marks under the eye in the picture are called petechial hemorrhaging and are caused by asphyxia. I get them when I cry. Hysteria's a bitch, no? And although I do enjoy Chuck's writing, I have to disagree with him on hysteria - you can absolutely get hysterical all by yourself.

I like to do it in cars. Ha. That should have been the opening line for this post. At least it would have been an attention getter. What I meant was, I like to get hysterical in cars. Cars provide a measure of privacy, if not invisibility. We've all see those solo drivers, finger three knuckles deep in the left nostril. They're taking advantage of "Auto Invisibility", the ridiculous, yet appealling, idea that when you are in the privacy of your own car, no one else can see you.

Auto Invisibility also comes into play when I need to blow off a little steam, or have a minor breakdown. It's six of one, half a dozen of the other. The problem with my cunning plan to avoid detection of my hysterical meltdown is the fact that I cry so hard that I break blood vessels in my face.

I had a little meltdown today, and now look like I was slapped around by my pimp.

Just for the record, I don't have a pimp.

What I did have was a bad day. Not even that, I had a moment when I needed to freak out a little. A good cry can be very healing and helpful. I'm having them more and more these days. Sometimes it seems like my emotions are right under my skin, if I stand in front of a bright light, you can see them, like the delicate capillaries in a cat's ear.

I do not want to wear my distress like a badge. The red badge of my lack of courage. But the petechial hemorrhages, facial rashes, hives, blotchiness, tears - I can't hide anything anymore, and now is the time I most need to hide my weaknesses. Unfortunately, now is also the time I am least able to compensate and cover.

Thank god for makeup.