Crushing

"When one is happy there is no time to be fatigued; being happy engrosses the whole attention." E. F. Benson


Not counting illnesses or post-op, I am more fatigued than I have ever been in my life. Perhaps I am coming down with something. I've decided not to go see my grandmother this evening just in case. (I spent some time with her this afternoon, but I still feel like a heel.)

It is completely bone-crushing. This may just be my brain hitting a wall. Lifting a glass of water for a drink requires my weighing the pros and cons before commencing the action. Yes, I am that tired. More than anything else at this moment I want to just sit. Sit, and do nothing. Ok, I could stare at something meaningless on TV that requires no attention, but beyond that, nada.

So much "stuff" still needs to be done around the house. There is laundry. There are bills. There is homework. There is prep work for the class I'm supposedly teaching at the end of the month. There are phone calls to be made and emails to be sent. I was supposed to pick up info from the class I missed last week. I haven't. The class is tomorrow. (My phone is broken and I can't access my numbers. Bah.)

Did I mention that I start my practicum on Thursday, and that is also the day my grandmother may come home? That means I will definitely be moving my base of operations to the "Big House" (her house) so that I can be with her during the day.

It's not that I want to sleep either. At 4 p.m. I called my husband and told him how crappy I felt. He's had a stomach thing for the last few days and suggested I might be getting whatever he had. "But you weren't tired," I said, "you were just sick." "Well, yeah." We decided that I would try to take a nap and he would wake me up when he got home at 5. I tried. I was too wiped out to sleep.

Instead, I went online and got malpractice insurance, something that I'd forgotten I needed until today.

Four days with no responsibility would be just the ticket. That was what I'd hoped for with the trip to Jersey. Alas, it was not to be. At times like this it's hard to envision a time when I will feel whole again, and rested, and calm. It must happen, though, I'll die if it doesn't. That sounds dramatic, I know, but I feel myself slipping. I've missed several classes already due to the grandmother situation, etc., and that isn't like me. It's a slippery slope, and I am teetering on the brink.

I can't live like this anymore. This isn't living. This is barely surviving.