Here and Now

"It's also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that's sitting right here right now... with its aches and its pleasures... is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive." Pema Chodron






This experience with my grandmother, along with my own experiences with my new brain are definitely teaching me how to be present.

Two of my doctors keep telling me to practice mindfulness, which I keep attempting, but life keeps getting in the way. At the moment I think it's more important to stay mindful in the actual moment, IN my life, with the people in my life, than to "practice" mindfulness. I am practicing it. At least I'm trying my best.

My grandmother was doing fairly well today, but the good days, bad days, weigh on me. There is no sense of relief, no safety. I will feel better when she comes home.

I'm angry, people close to me have stopped talking to me. I'm stressed over work and schedules which I keep screwing up spectacularly. I have to start my practicum this week. I've dozens of phone calls to make and will have to be up at dawn tomorrow to get everything done and be able to visit the hospital. I've taken my nightly doses of, well, everything and will be heading to bed at once.

I'm trying to stay strong and not tear up at appropriate moments. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I want as much time with my grandmother as I can get. I want to be there for her, and for my mom who is really the one who bears the brunt of all this stress. They've supported me my whole life, now it's my turn.