Aqualung

"For the preservation of chastity, an empty and rumbling stomach and fevered lungs are indispensable." Saint Jerome

Was without Internet for three days and then called home because Gram was admitted to the hospital. She has congestive heart failure, or something, one report said she did, one said she didn't. She DID have fluid around her lung and was "tapped" and had the fluid removed via a needle. The doctor removed over a liter of fluid. She's got more in there.

Both my mother and I are exhausted as we've been trying to stay with her as long as we can each day. She had a roommate but they moved her to the regular (non cardiac) floor, which is good, but when I left she was alone in the room. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem but she's never been alone - never even stayed alone in the house. Yeah, bizarre, eh? So she's a little freaky about it. And the last time she was in the hospital was when she delivered my mom 61 years ago.

I'm going to bed right now. My computer time stamp is off, but it's quarter after 8pm, and I. AM. GOING. TO. BED.

I have a 9 am class tomorrow and missed the last one so I have to be there. Ugh.

Ok....that's it for tonight. Tomorrow I can write about what stress and sleeplessness does to a bashed up brain.

Cheap, No Pics Entry

Fine. Forget it. I'm not using my computer at the moment and for some reason this one won' t let me paste in the quote I wanted to use. It was a quote by Dan Millman about moderation. Maybe I'll use it later.

Now I'm moderately angry that I can't get this machine to do what I want it to do. Technology makes our lives easier, right?

I was going to write about how I dropped a class because the work load was going to fry me, and how ambivalent I am about doing so. I was also going to talk about starting new ventures and the wondrous power of silence and the ocean and family.

But I'm just teasing and I'll have to do all that at another time as well, because I have to sleep RIGHT NOW. I'm like a baby crazy woman trying to get pregnant - one of those gals who is constantly monitoring her temp, ready to hump her husband the minute her fertility alarm goes off, except in my case it's sleep not eggs that are the issue. That's not to say that my eggs aren't at issue as well, just not at the moment.

At the moment I'm tired and SOMEONE just FUCKING disturbed me which has now made me angry and ruined my tired buzz. Damn people. I hate people at times. (Like right now.) Really, I don't want to speak to anyone from like 8 pm until I wake up the next day. That would be a perfect world. I can't understand why people can't just shut up and exist in silence. You won't explode from a lack of speaking, or singing, or listening to music or tv. Trust me, I've done it, and I survived.

Oy. Ok, I'm going to bed because I have to get up at 5:30 am tomorrow and that's gonna hurt no matter how you phrase it. No pics tonight either. Sleep is my primary goal.

Turtle Neck or Back or Something

"Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out." James B. Conant

But what happens when he has a pain in the neck? Turtles get to stay in their shells. Humans aren't so lucky.

My neck's been feeling better the last few days but I'm having more back pain lately, which may be due to my new obsession with beading. Poor posture perhaps? Probably.

I try. I do. But I don't always sit as straight as I should, and I'm working in several different locations, at my house and at my mom's when I'm "watching" my grandmother. We finally got her one of those call button I've-fallen-and-I-can't-get-up things. She's not thrilled but we fell better.

My increased pain is also probably due to a lack of sleep. I've been sleeping horribly. Trying to sleep with a snorer is challenging for the best of sleepers, for me, it's an impossibility. He's got a C-PAP (I think that's what it's called) but it doesn't seal quite right over his beard and so he's still snoring, or the darn thing shuts itself off, or he rolls over and suddenly it's like having an exhaust fan blowing in my ear.

So I'm sleeping at the 'rents for the last two days and tonight. It got to the point where I was near delirium. I finally said, "Look, I can "sleep" with you and go slowly crazy and be in pain and hate you because you keep me up, or, I can sleep in another room and actually sleep and be pleasant (ok, more pleasant) and in less pain and generally better to be around." Last night I had almost 10 hours and I felt great today. Tonight is going to be a different story.

I started some new PT exercises today and I'm sore now. I'm also supposed to be up early for a class tomorrow, that means I'll be panicking if I'm not falling asleep. Actually, I'm panicking now because I'm already counting the hours and realizing I won't have enough.

So basically, I'd better go to bed NOW and stop writing here.

Giant Ear Ache

"The 2 common causes of otitis externa are trapped moisture and minor injury to the ear canal. Otitis media is caused by bacteria growing in the middle ear behind the eardrum." http://www.emedicinehealth.com/

Ok, my ear hurts. A lot. I used to get earaches all the time when I was a kid. One doctor said I had, "the most tortuous ear canals" he had ever seen.

At present I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do over the weekend, and how I can avoid the ear thing getting any worse. If the ear keeps hurting, I'm not going to be doing much of anything.

(Like I need something else on my body hurting? Oy.)

This is going to sound like voodoo but I'm going to use these ear drops - they're garlic and grapefruit seed oil - that have worked in the past. A few drops and a bit of cotton and with any luck I'll be as good as new. Without luck, I'll be sitting in yet another doctor's office.

Sorry this is such a short entry. New pain makes me cranky.

Dormez vous?

O sleep, O gentle sleep,

Nature's soft nurse, how have I frighted thee,

That thou no more wilt weigh my eyelids down

And steep my sense in forgetfulness?

-William Shakespeare, Henry IV, Part I

I can't sleep - again. As god is my witness, I'm going to be in bed in fifteen minutes. If I don't get some good sleep tonight, I'm going to be useless tomorrow.

Don't have much to report today since I spent much of my time calling and arguing with insurance companies, and doctor's offices. Recently, I received a bill from a hospital network where one of my treating physician's works. He sends me a bill for his services, and then the hospital network send me a separate bill.

The bill from the hospital - which is, as far as I can figure, a charge for merely setting my foot inside the door, was $194.00.

One hundred and ninety four dollars to walk in the door. Seriously?

I did very well though, and manged not to lose my cool when dealing with multiple business office people on the phone. Actually, they were for the most part helpful and competent. But it is still crap I wish I didn't have to deal with right now. There are so many other things things that are more important and need my attention.

Someday I will stop seeing all these doctors. It may be sooner rather than later. I'm losing patience, and those co-pays really do add up.

My bed is calling me and I've missed my fifteen minute window. I've got another med appointment tomorrow at 9:30 am, so I need to be asleep in about half an hour. Do you think part of my difficulty is the pressure to fall asleep by a certain time so I get my required number of hours?

Quick, relax! SLEEP! SLEEP NOW!!!

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Brain Damaged

"Procrastination is like Masturbation: In the end you're just screwing yourself."

Is it procrastination if you forget to do it? My current situation is clearly karma kicking my ass for bitching at my husband about forgetting to do things. His excuse was always, "Well, I knew I had to do it, but then... I don't know, the phone rang, or something came up, and I just forgot."

It was enough to make me want to spit.

Now I'm the one doing it. The universe has an exceptionally twisted sense of humor.

Today I screwed up and forgot about a lunch meeting I'd arranged with a friend. This, mind you, was a meeting that had been scheduled for Friday. On Friday I showed up at the restaurant half an hour early and then couldn't figure out where she was. I left after 25 minutes only to find out when I went home that a) I hadn't actually responded to her email confirming the meeting, and b) it was for 12:30 not 12:00.

I am a train wreck. The sucky part about crap like this is that I was so sure I had the correct time/date etc. It was in my head. I also thought I'd responded to the email. Apparently, what happened was that I thought about responding. I considered what I would say, I formulated a response, and then....something came up, the phone rang, etc. and I forgot to do it.

The pity of it all was that while I was dressing to go and getting all excited about having a nice lunch with good conversation, nothing triggered in my head that I hadn't actually confirmed this meeting. Nothing triggered while I waited at the restaurant. Nothing triggered at all. Zip, zero, zilch, until I went home and checked the email and then, only then, a sneaking suspicion crept in and whispered, "Did you send her an email with a definitive 'yes'?". When I checked my Sent file, the answer was "No".

I can't tell you how many times I've done things like this. Not only is it frustrating to me, it's also annoying to my friends and family. Honestly, I'm not trying to be an asshole, I just can't help it. It wouldn't be so bad if I'd always been an asshole, but I think that, before, I wasn't an asshole, or, at least, not this much of an asshole. Now, I look back on my less assholey times with fond remembrance and nostalgia.

Most of my friends "get it". They know what's going on and cut me a great deal of slack, which while wonderful and appreciated, sometimes makes me feel worse because it highlights the differences between us. THEY are GOOD friends, I am a BAD friend. The subtext here is that I don't deserve GOOD friends. But enough with the self pity, I'm trying, and I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by many people who are understanding and patient.

There are so many different things that are destabilized because of this injury. You can compare it to a crack in ice or glass - what might start as one crack or impact spiders out into hundreds of tiny cracks that destroy the integrity of the entire piece.

Isolation is not helpful, I know that. So although I feel like I'm a horrible friend, I still need to contact people and interact with them. It's all too easy to cut myself off completely. Social interaction is tiring, I have to be "on" in order to respond intelligently and have conversations. I forget to make phone calls, I forget to send thank you notes. Currently, I owe four people thank you notes, and one person a sympathy note. At this point, it's a sympathy/apology note since it's been weeks since the loss. I hate this. All of these people that I am snubbing and offending are people I care about, and although they probably feel like I don't give a shit about them, I do think of them often, will love and regret and anxiety and wish that I could be better for them, because they deserve better from me.

I keep thinking that at some point this will get better, my life will calm down, I will find a better system, my brain will miraculously snap back into fighting form, and I will be my old self again. When that happens I will make it up to all the friends and family members who went through the "bad times" with me. They will all smile fondly and nod, murmuring to each other that it was just as they suspected, an unfortunate phase. They knew I'd get better all along.

Sadly, that isn't going to happen. This is me. I shall continue to forget to return calls. Birthday cards will be purchase but remain unsent. Presents wrapped and stored and then forgotten. Appointments will be missed. Just remember, if I accidentally hurt you with an over site or memory slip, I hurt myself as well. We're in this together, I just hope you're all still in this with me.

When Life Gives You Tomatoes, Make Tomato Sauce

"It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato." - Lewis Grizzard

My husband and I have just finished "pantsing" 30 lbs of tomatoes. "Pantsing," in my house, refers to blanching and peeling. According to my Mom, you cut the top off the tomato and then "pull the pants off it." It's as accurate a description as any.

These will be cooked down with copious quantities of garlic and fresh basil and oregano and onion and jarred for the winter.

I didn't want to write about anything weighty today. I wanted to just be normal for a change, and I have, for the most part, accomplished that. Today's activities included picking blueberries in the yard, eating, breathing, shopping at the farmers' market, talking with friends, cooking, napping, sex, reading, making jewelry, pantsing tomatoes.

And loving, there was loving too.