Impossible Tasks

"Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working." Anonymous


I don't know how I'm going to get everything done that needs to be done. This "new" course is killing me. I still can't get online to load the course I'm supposed to be teaching and none of the ANGEL techs have called me back to help me. They are going to fire me and I think, on one hand, it will be a blessing. I've essentially given up on teaching it.

There is so much work for this semester. All my classes demand several papers or projects and I have my practicum. All that along with my grandmother and trying to help out with her and my rocky marriage and my "old" health issues including the brain thing... and now I have a new one - high blood pressure and I just don't know how I can do all this.

That being said, I don't know what I can "give up". Oh, you have to cut back. Slow down. Calm down. Relax. Yeah, right. What do I give up? The schooling that will (hopefully) allow me to get a job I actually CAN do? My marriage? My family?

Clearly I am ready to give up my so called job teaching. In the grand scheme of things the whopping $2000 I would get for the course probably isn't worth the hassle, but then again, it's not like there's any other money coming in. So tomorrow I will dutifully call the techs AGAIN and try to log on. At this point I can't even log onto my school email to see if I'm fired or not. Ha! The bitch of it is, I called and logged in on Monday and then the next day - POOF! Gone again. It is insanely frustrating and just shouldn't be this difficult.

Clearly I have also given up on my health. I'm beating myself up. I eat crap. I don't get enough sleep. Essentially I have NO down time or hobbies or fun.

Fun? What is "fun"?

Actually that's not entirely true. I snapped like a twig yesterday and made my husband take me to the Bloomsburg Fair. I love fairs. Don't ask. It's geeky, I know, but I love the Americana aspect of it, and I'm addicted to Kettle Corn. We went. We had a really wonderful time. I tried not to think of any of the crap in my life and it was a much needed break.

Now I'm paying for it. Now I have a paper to write for tomorrow. I SHOULD be going in to my practicum site but I may end up staying home tomorrow and writing instead. I will never catch up. NEVER.

This is not healthy. My BP is still sky high. I mean that and I mean that it is high constantly not just when I walk up and down the stairs. I know I need to start walking again but I can't for the life of me figure out where I would squeeze that half hour into my already crammed schedule.

On a potential positive note, I am starting a diet tomorrow. Ugh. "Diet" what an ugly word. But I'm doing it, and I'm doing it, like I do everything else, hard core. There is an enormous box of Medifast sitting on my kitchen table and I am committed to doing it for the month of October. We'll see how I do. I hope to drop 10% of my body weight and that losing it will bring down my BP.

I know it's a cop out. I should be eating real food and not relying on shakes and bars and crap like that but in reality it's about the only thing I can manage at the moment. Shakes and bars I can eat in my car on my way to and from classes and practicum and doctor's appointments. The plan allows for one "Lean and Green" meal each day which is comprised of a serving of lean protein and three servings of green (or approved) vegetables. So there will be some real food in the mix.

The sad fact is that I feel like crap and everything is starting to slip. I'm getting more and more sloppy with school and work and, honestly, just about everything. I'm TIRED. Truly, profoundly tired, and I'm not sure how long I can keep all these balls in the air.