"Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out." James Bryant Conant

I spent most of the day like that picture, pouring over some old charts and getting some practice with discharge summaries. Now, my neck is all out of whack and I have a screaming headache.

I should be in bed by now. Class starts early tomorrow, and I'm going to try to get some more practicum hours after that.

The last few days have been hard physically. The weather has been damp and unpleasant and my body just doesn't like that sort of thing anymore. I'm also kind of tapped out mentally. I've basically been doing a full 9 - 5 day - or longer - and honestly, I can't really handle that yet. I don't know if I ever will be able to do a regular work week. I start to drag around 1:30 if I start at 9. It's worse if I have to interact with other people. Conversation is one of the most taxing things for me.

I know, talking to people doesn't sound like it's that big a deal, right? Well, it's not. At least not for normal people, but I'm still trying to "pass" as normal, so it takes quite a bit out of me. I guess because the regular pace of conversation is sometimes faster than my brain can find words. I think that's probably the crux of it - the word-finding part. But it's not just the word-finding it's the finding and then speaking. Sometimes I have the word but I just can't get it out.

And then there's the pain portion. Think about how difficult it is to think straight when you have a headache. Now consider what it would be like to have that headache all the time. That's what it's like living with chronic pain. It's always there, even when it's not really bad, it's still on the radar, still consuming energy. It's rather like a trojan virus on a computer, just taking up space, hogging the hard drive so your computer can't think anymore. That's what chronic, even low level, pain does to the human brain.

So it's an effort to be present and communicate and interact and live a normal life. It's exhausting, and by the time I'm done at 4:30 or 5, I AM DONE. I don't want to talk to anyone else, not my husband, not my family, no one. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want to participate. All I want is to veg out and either read or watch a movie or make something. Although, even that is dependent on what else I did during the day. I have a limited tolerance for reading and writing activities now and limited ability to focus visually.

I'm still struggling with all this trying to understand how to balance everything and figure out what it means to be brain damaged or disabled or whatever I am now.

Giving Up

WTF? Someone helpfully removed some viruses from my computer and now several vital functions no longer work. Like copy and paste. I can copy but I can no longer paste.

Oy.

So, I give up. Suddenly everything is a fucking CHORE. Nothing works well or correctly. Things that took one step now take four. And even then success is only a slight possibility.

There's already enough crap going on in my life. I don't need things to be more difficult than they already are.

My car is making horrible noises.

My water heater just crapped out, leaking all over the floor and spewing hot water out of the emergency hose.

I think my practicum boss was annoyed that my husband came to bring me lunch. (He came from the warehouse and was dressed like one of our "clients".)

I have heartburn.

There are three pages of work waiting for me and I'm not doing it.

C. is working tomorrow (into Friday) so that's two fewer days he will have to get the house ready for this weekend. We're supposed to have guests on Sunday and he promised he would take care of the house.

My sleep has been awful. I can get to sleep but I can't stay there. The last several days have been rough. I'm definitely not getting enough sleep or at least not long enough stretches of sleep. C. says I'm waking up about every 15 to 20 minutes. Ugh.

I don't think any of this is ever going to get any better.

I will always feel overwhelmed. My house will always be trashed. I will never be able to find anything. I will never get a good job. I will always be in pain and not feel like myself. I will never get a good night's sleep.

(Sorry, it's a bit of a pity party again. I'm just feeling like things look pretty dismal tonight.) It's the rain. I blame the rain.

Duh. I Am Smart.

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

Last week I gave a presentation on Gifted Girls in my Lifespan Development class. My opener was asking the class to name some geniuses. They did exactly what I wanted and expected them to do and came up with several dead white males. I wrote them on the board as they called out the names and misspelled three out of five.

At that point I figured I should probably leave out the part about actually being a gifted girl.

I'm struggling at this point with being a smart person with a retarded brain. The work for my classes is piling up and I am, frankly, overwhelmed. Between regular school work and getting enough hours for my practicum and dealing with Gram and my own health crises, there isn't enough time or energy left over for anything else. Sometimes there isn't enough time or energy to even complete those things.

C. and my therapist both think I should speak to my profs about this issue. I'd rather eat a bug.

I've already been late with several assignments this semester. I HAVE talked to them, mostly about the Gram and health issues and they've been very understanding but I do not want to have to go to these people and tell them that now I need MORE help and more time and more exceptions because I'm retarded.

I know, the term "retarded" is not in fashion any longer. Well, I'm taking it back. At least in terms of learning disabilities and developmental delays. Really.... "retarded" is the best term in these cases. "Retarded" means "slowed". "Developmentally delayed" means the same thing as "retarded". Duh.

There really isn't an appropriate term for what I am. Brain damaged is, I guess, the best word for it. I do have brain damage, but that still isn't really descriptive or remotely illuminating, especially in my case where the damage may be, largely, invisible.

I'm ok in class. I can keep up and participate in discussions and I'm sure no one knows there is a problem. Until I have to write something on the board and they see how bad my spelling is. They don't see the typos and rewrites and hours of not being able to concentrate at home. They don't see how after I'm "on" in a class or at work I just collapse at home, barely able to form a sentence.

I don't know how to be both smart and brain damaged. For me, and I think for many people, those two things are mutually exclusive. You can't be both smart and retarded. It just doesn't work like that.

Except for situations like mine, when it does.

Happy Meat

"The true object of all human life is play." - G. K. Chesterton

Today's been difficult all around, and I was looking for something completely different to write about when I, inexplicably, found this.

Happy Face Lunchmeat!

I think smiling happy bologna might just make everything in my life OK again.

Sometimes you find exactly what you need, when you need it, ridiculous as that thing may seem to others. Really, humor goes a long way and I'm smiling right now. Just like that highly processed nitrate-filled mystery meat.

Yeah.

:)

Hell is Where The Heart Is

"I am my own heaven and hell!" J.C.F. von Schiller

I'm in the hell portion right now. Haven't written here for over a week due to time constraints, exhaustion, depression and flat out laziness. I swore I would do this every day. HA! What are promises for but to break, eh?

All hell is breaking loose everywhere I look. Gram's condition is worsening. Now we know she does not have congestive heart failure, but rather, liver failure, most likely autoimmune hepatitis. Which makes me wonder about my high ANA levels over the summer. No, it wasn't Lupus, but dang, could it be AIH? It's genetic, you know.

Doc appointment in November will involve questions to that effect.

Meanwhile, I'm late with everything. Ended up in the hospital with chest pains, and think I may fail out of grad school. Oh, yeah, and I still haven't filed my student loan. The screw up was a communication one, I'd called in August to see if I had to do anything, unsure as I was, whether loans were for calendar years or academic years. Since NO ONE is EVER in any of the offices at the school I left a message. No one called me back, I assumed everything was ok.

Never assume.

So I scramble. I fail to log practicum hours. I get no sleep. I minister to the sickly grandmother.

I get no sleep.

Did I mention I get no sleep.

I can't focus worth a damn, and really need about a week and a half with nothing stressful. Honestly, I think I'd be ok if I could manage that.

I also need to apply for unemployment again, and continue to gather my medical records for my stupid lawyer who has done LESS than my last stupid lawyer who I fired because he wasn't doing anything. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This is why I didn't write here. Nothing but bitching. Nothing illuminating. Nothing helpful. Nothing uplifting. Just crap crap crap crap. But, sadly, that's what it feels like at the moment. An overwhelming pile of endlessly generating crap.

It I didn't have stress, I'd have nothing.

I had a brilliant quote about despair but since my husband "fixed" my computer and cleaned off all the viruses and trojans and evil things, well, nothing works.

Before it was slow, but at least it did what I wanted it to do. It's some sort of trade-off I supposed. Now when I can't do what I need to do, at least I do it faster.

I am tired.

God, how often have I written that here. The "flu" or whatever it was that knocked me on my ass on Monday really just sucked all my energy. I feel like I'm drugged all the time. Is someone slipping me a Benedryl without my knowledge? That's what it feels like. It's almost too much effort to get up and walk across the room to answer the phone.

I was supposed to go out with friends tonight. That went south. I was supposed to drive to my Uncle's house and stay there tonight so I'd get an early start for the art jurying tomorrow. Yeah, that's not happening either. I don't even WANT to do the jury thing now. I just don't care. I want to SLEEP.

I want to sleep for hours - days if necessary.

We were also going to drive to Cape May tomorrow night for dinner (we'd be in Philly; it's half-way there) but I don't know if that's going to fly either.

Sleep is what I need. Although I wouldn't mind several days by myself at the beach, keeping my own hours, getting some work done undisturbed.

Sadly, that will never happen now.

The Book of Job, er, um, The Book of Lor

"What am I? Job?" - Me

Ok, I know the grammar isn't correct. I don't care. I say it all the time anyway.

Let's just recap: Wed I ended up in the ER and was admitted to rule out a heart attack.

Thursday, I slept since I didn't sleep more than 45 minutes during my overnight stay in the hospital.

Friday, I had a stress test all morning and came home to find that my Gram had to be taken to the hospital to have fluid removed from around her lung.

Sat, was spent mostly recovering from all the nonsense.

Sun, I fell up the steps when racing to Grams room because she buzzed for assistance.

Monday, Therapy appointment and class (they were both OK, but I was stressed because I had a 10 page paper due and was NOT done - I got an extension, thank God.)

Tuesday, had an interview w/ the insurance adjuster regarding the August accident, then had a Doctor's appointment, on the drive I started shivering and couldn't stop. I offered to just go home so as not to contaminate the office if I had the flu. Got home and, again, couldn't stop shaking and shivering. Crenshaw bundled me up with about five blankets and I eventually fell asleep on the couch. Gram's aide was really worried and took my temp and wanted to send me to another Doc or the ER but I felt so crappy I didn't want to move.

I slept it off for a couple of hours, still have wicked body aches and headache and am just BONE TIRED and kind a shaky, but we did a nasal swab that came back negative for flu so I guess I just have something that resembles the flu but isn't.

Either that or I'm one of the 30% of people who test negative when they really have the flu.

Either way, I'm staying warm and hydrated and taking Ibuprofen and going to bed early. Naturally, I didn't get done anything that I needed to do today. I'm going to try to catch up for a couple hours right now because, thankfully, I am starting to feel a bit better.

Not sure who will drive me to class tomorrow. I might have to recruit the man for that detail.

Seriously, though, is the universe testing me or something?