The Habit of Joy

"It's possible to forget how alive we really are. We can become dry and tired, just existing, instead of really living. We need to remind ourselves of the juice of life, and make that a habit. Find those places inside that jump for joy, and do things. -Anonymous (http://www.thinkexist.com/)

I am at the beach, or, more precisely the water. A strange chain of events provided me with a lovely cottage on "the channel" in Stone Harbor. For months I'd been promising myself this break. It's been a rather rough year, working on my degree, an internship, Gram's illness and death, months of testing to see if I had Lupus, the collapse of my marriage, continuing legal woes. Any one of these would have been enough to warrant a few days away. Taken together, I'm thankful I'm not writing this from a padded room.

Today I walked to Nun's Beach. Nun's Beach is the (semi) private beach in front of the ocean-front convent in Stone Harbor. The nun's know a little something about going on holiday. Location, location, location, dearies.

I am tired from the walk. It wasn't far, but I'm out of practice. The internship and doctoring and fatigue has prevented me from keeping up with the walking I'd started in the spring. It's a difficult decision, do I maintain a consistent exercise practice which I know will help and support both my physical rehabilitation as well as my mental health, or do I try to lead a "normal" life (keep a real schedule, try to hold down a "real" job)?

Is it even possible for me to maintain a normal schedule and life?

At the moment, for me to function best, I need at least 8 hours of actual sleep (not just lying in bed, but sleeping), an hour of movement (walking and aquatic exercises are best) and approximately an hour of stretching/yoga which works best when divided throughout the day. I admit, that doesn't sound like much, until you try to actually fit it into a day. Especially when you're exhausted from trying to do normal things, like pay your bills, or take a class.

I don't want to sound like I'm whining. I don't want to whine.

I'm scared.

How on earth am I going to find a job that allows me to do all that and work during my "good" hours and allow me time off for doctors and bad days? The answer is, I probably won't. Realistically, I'll be lucky to find any job at all in this market.

But this was supposed to be about joy.

Lately, I've been watching people that appear happy. They are not overly concerned with the details. They are responsible but their work and responsibilities do not seem like a chore. Quite a few of them are self-employed or part-time workers. They have time to do things that they love, and spend time with the people they care about.

What is more important than that?

There's no point in preserving life or even living it if there is no joy in it. Struggling and scrambling just to continue struggling and scrambling isn't enough. We must make joy a habit. We must do the things we love, the things that make us who we are. This is what sustains us when little else is left.

Tomorrow, I will walk to Nun's Beach again.