Cello? I Can't Hear You

"Where it not for music, we might in these days say, the Beautiful is dead." - Benjamin Disraeli

I am considering buying a cello. Music does wondrous things for the brain. Playing music is even better. It uses both hemispheres and anything that does that help the brain integrate and reroute after injury.

When I was about 12 I briefly took cello lessons, but stopped because I was not overly fond of the teacher. She was one of those straight-backed people who seem not to be capable of experiencing joy or humour or sponteneity. How could someone like that teach music? It didn't make sense to me. Besides, she wanted me to cut my fingernails. I had lovely fingernails back then and was very proud of them. While other pre-teens were fretting about their nubby little nails and experimenting with faux fingertips, I proudly displayed strong, long natural nails.

So the lessons didn't last long.

But I still pined for the cello.

I fantasize about playing cello. I see myself on the dock of my house on the bay, practicing as the clouds form over the water, signalling a gathering storm, my music building with the wind.

Yeah, I'm so full of crap. But that's what I see when I think about playing the cello. Guys fantasize about wailing on a guitar in front of throngs of cheering fans - I play cello, alone, on a dock. Don't judge. I'm sure everyone has their own bizarre ideas of who they really are, on the inside.

What is the line from "Pride & Prejudice"? Darcy's Aunt says something about music and the piano, asserting that, "had she ever learned, she would have been a great proficient."

So I kid myself and tell people that I am buying a cello for therapy. Really, it's a midlife crisis of sorts. I'm at a point where I can change everything - my job, where I live, my relationship status, my idea of what I wanted from life, even my idea of who I am. I find that suddenly I can pick and choose what I want to keep, and what I want to delete.

And I still see myself, sawing away at that cello, perhaps badly, perhaps without any skill at all, but there I am, on that dock, as the storm approaches, and I am still playing.