"Life, death and rebirth are inevitable." - Rig VedaAll the subtle changes since the accident have made me feel like a different person. I feel like me, but not me at the same time. I am not tired like this. I do not have trouble finding words. I do not have attention problems, or difficulty reading.
But I am all those things. I have all those things.
And slowly, I've been coming to terms with these new parameters. Some of them are, admittedly, more difficult to accept than others. All in all, they are disorienting.
I don't like the "new" me. I don't want to be like this. I didn't ask to change in these ways, and I'm angry that I'm being forced to be less than I was "before".
But...
(There is a "but".)
Sometimes, especially in the last several weeks, I've got this strange, almost exhilarating feeling. It's the feeling you get when you have nothing to lose, the feeling you get when, having nothing to lose, you decide to just jump in and see what happens.
I feel like I could change anything I wanted right now.
Sure, I had a plan, I spent the last several years working toward very specific goals. They aren't working out. I did everything right. I worked VERY hard. I amazed myself and others with my dedication and focus. But...
(Another "but".)
But it isn't working out. Having followed and completed all the right steps, I'm not where I should be. I went to school. I got the grades. I got the recommendations. I got the test scores. What I didn't get was an acceptance letter to the doctoral program I wanted. Actually, I didn't get an acceptance letter to ANY doctoral program. What the hell did I do wrong? Was I just so awful at the interview? Are there really THAT many people who did as well as or better than I did?
Maybe there are. Perhaps I overestimated my own worth and achievements. Either way, I've spent months and months working very hard for something I am not going to get.
So now what?
Part of me says, "anything at all". With nothing to lose, anything is possible.
Don't mistake this for a healthy attitude, because I'm not sure that it is. On some level, this scares the heck out of me. I really do feel like I have nothing to lose. I feel that, if none of this mattered anyway, if all my hard work and effort were for naught, then what does matter? Who cares? I might as well stay home and knit toilet seat covers and sell that at the local flea market. It would be less stressful, that's for sure.
I haven't figured this out yet. I don't know if I ever will. I don't even know if it matters if I do, or if I don't.
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You could sell the seat covers at the dirt mall.
ReplyDeleteI'm only a recent reader of your blog, having just learned of your injury. And I'm not an expert on MTBI. Despite having those two strikes against me, I'm going to offer the requisite advice that I'm sure you hear from time to time--while also trying not to sound patronizing.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't be happy about settling for anything short of exactly what you want in life. And you certainly shouldn't cheerfully accept the limitations that your accident has placed on you. That said, don't forget how far you are from the starting line when cursing how far away the horizon is. You could have died in your accident. (Obviously.) And you could have suffered a more significant impairment. Most people--including those without any sort of brain injury--can't express themselves as well as you do, and they certainly don't quote Henry James or Washington Irving while doing so. It would seem--though I realize this is a bit of an over-simplification--that you are still gifted with a formidable intellect that is, perhaps, filtered now in real-time conversation. (Something that isn't--and wouldn't be--evident in your writing.)
BTW - I know for a fact that you've never looked (or acted) like Mary Katherine Gallagher. But perhaps that's another example of how your perception of your circumstances is different from what others perceive. Just some food for thought while you're planning your next move... or knitting.