Fear and Loathing

"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt." Thomas Merton (1915 - 1968)

Driving scares the shit out of me. Actually, it's not just driving, it's riding in cars, being in cars, thinking about being in cars... Driving is often actually the lesser evil because it gives me, perhaps falsely, a sense of control. At least it's me behind the wheel. When I'm riding in a car I cringe when trucks pass too closely for my comfort and routinely slam my right foot to the floor hoping my "breaking for others" triggers some sort of sympathetic magic that slows down the car.

I had a panic attack today in the car. I wasn't driving, and we were passing a huge truck in the rain. It wasn't fun for me. Of course it's not fun for anyone around me either. There I was freaking out about a situation that was, for all intents and purposes, perfectly safe. Of course, that's the beauty of panic attacks. They are rarely about anything truly dangerous or scary.

Although I do have a Post Traumatic Stress diagnosis which manifests in my world as panic attacks in cars and nightmares although the dreams have, mercifully, become less frequent, I don't really want to devote much space here to talking about that. Unfortunately, everything is connected. In this case a lowered tolerance to stress, which is a fairly typical MTBI symptom, probably accounts for much of my car panic.

On the whole today was a very lovely day. I was doing quite well. Now, I feel like an idiot and, thanks to the physical effects of panic (adrenaline, tensed muscles, etc.) I'm stuck with a headache and knots in my shoulder and neck muscles.

I feel like a fool because I know that we really weren't in any danger. Then again, I didn't think I was in much danger when I was crossing that intersection on a green light. And that is the problem. That's where the fear sneaks in. "You thought you were safe then, didn't you?" it says, "Well, you weren't. Go ahead, relax. It's ok to think you're safe now, too. Just know that you're really not because horrible, unexpected things happen when you're least prepared for them."

And that's the part I really hate, because, you know, on that point it's absolutely right.