Energy Conservation

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." Albert Camus (1913-1960)

Lack of energy and fatigue became an issue almost immediately. At first, of course, I was tired and sore and on a cocktail of painkillers and muscle relaxants. That makes me sound like I should have done a stint at the Betty Ford clinic but I never even got the "good stuff". The closest I came was a script for oxycodone which after my first and only "before bedtime" dose, caused me to wake every forty-five minutes hallucinating the smell of toast.

I soon found that even after I had rested up post accident, I just didn't have the get up and go I once did. Everyone said it would just take time. "You were in a really bad accident," they said, "Just give it some time." Even my neurologist who eventually admitted I had "Post Concussion Syndrome" told me that I would return to normal in a few weeks.

Some things did get better after a few weeks, but the fatigue never quite went away. I learned that I needed to plan ahead and ration my energy. My first semester back at work in the classroom was more of an education for me than for my students. On days when I taught, I soon realized that I wouldn't have energy left for anything else. I went from being a night owl who routinely stayed up till the wee hours reading or painting to someone who had to be in bed by 10:30 in order to function the next day. Often, I'd go to bed even earlier so I could be asleep by ten.

I found that not only did I need a bare minimum of 8 hours of sleep per night, that eight hours was a challenge. Ten hours was really the ideal amount but that was usually impossible.

In addition, I really did have to monitor my energy expenditures during the day. If something was mentally taxing or emotionally draining or physically challenging I was pretty much done. On days when I had physical therapy I was useless for anything else.

After even a relatively normal day I just wanted to sit and do nothing - no talking, no activity, no socializing. I kept scheduling activities, dinners with friends, art events, even date nights with my husband, only to find myself regretting making those plans when I was too tired to follow through with them. I was convinced that all of my friends would write me off after multiple calls to cancel plans.

Eventually I got better at knowing how much energy various tasks would require, and I stopped thinking I could do everything I did before. Honestly, it's still a struggle. I still want to be able to stay up late and not feel like I have the world's worst hangover the next day. I want to be able to spend an evening or a weekend with friends without running out of steam half-way through. I want to have the energy to do the things I want to do after I'm finished doing the things I have to do.

I still miscalculate and wear myself out. Sleep is still something I guard jealously and something that is often elusive, and I still cancel plans with friends far too frequently for my taste. I keep waiting for the magical solution - if I get organized enough, when the semester ends, if I didn't spend so much time going to doctors and therapy appointments then I would have more time and, consequently more energy. The reality is that this is my life now, complete with disorganization and seemingly endless semesters and appointments every week. I need to balance the time I have now without waiting for more time in the future or lamenting all the time I've lost.