Year's End

"In depression...faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come, not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul." -William Styron, from 'Darkness Visible; A Memoir of Madness', 1990






I've always hated this time of year. The languishing between Christmas and the New Year, brimming with disappointed Christmas wishes and overflowing with the promise of the new, seems each year more and more like a rip tide pulling me down into the darkening depths of futility.

This year is no different. Apart from successfully negotiating my coursework (no small feat, that), I've had precious little go right this year. Health and finances are a mess, as are almost all of my relationships and I just can't seem to get a handle on all the paperwork and bills that are still looming.

I'm trying, still, to get it together. I've got to finish an application essay tonight and tomorrow will be spent trying to tie up the loose financial ends from 2009. Will I get it all done? I hope so. The application is paramount, since there were others involved and after folks agreed to recommend me, it just seems ungrateful not to finish the application even if, at this particular moment, I don't feel like either writing or continuing with this educational slog.

My husband is in Minnesota at the moment and not speaking to me. True. I started it. I didn't want to talk to him yesterday. I was exhausted, had spent literally hours getting multiple medical tests done yesterday and then ran around returning gifts. By the time I finally got home I could barely string two words together and I just wanted to go to bed. Since the majority of our phone conversations over the past few days had left me feeling a bit glum and unsatisfied, I thought perhaps going straight to bed might be the better option.

He took umbrage, left me an email saying he knew I was there and wondered if I'd call him back, and asked me to call him when I felt up to speaking with him. Which I did. Today. Guess what? He didn't answer.

So I texted him. Guess what? He didn't answer.
I just called him again and...guess what? If you said, "He didn't answer," you'd be correct. Sorry. There is no prize.

So now I'm mad, he's mad. Everyone is mad. Of course he doesn't actually have to do anything that requires his brain. I'm the one who has to write a stunning application letter while I'm fuming. Always works out like that doesn't it?

Did I mention that heightened emotions especially anger and frustration really don't go well with brain injury. Yes, those are two of the things that most easily derail cognitive functioning.

So thanks for that.

Btw, so this isn't just a total rant about my crap. The following link is to a rather good article about brain injury and depression. Check it out.

http://braininjury.org.au/portal/psychological/depression-following-acquired-brain-injury----fact-sheet.html

Yeah, Christmas, Whatever.

Christmas has appeared almost without warning. Yes, I know they've been decorating store and selling Christmas crap since October but I didn't think it was THIS WEEK! Sometimes the whole time slip thing sneaks up on me. I am, as usual, woefully unprepared and would prefer to have approximately four extra days before the holiday.

Such hype, such elevated expectations for one day. Really, can't we all just settle for just a bit less this year. Folks at my house will have to since I am a) broke and b) still overwhelmed post semester. Somehow I haven't quite bounced back from the "big push" of the final three weeks. Between finishing papers and projects and studying for the GRE and filling out applications, well, as the Brits would say I'm well and truly knackered.

I've still got some Practicum stuff to finish up and would like to go to put in some hours tomorrow as they're having their party for the clients. But honestly, my sleep has been crap for the last three weeks and I just can't seem to get it back on track.

I've only the week between xmas and New Year's off, as classes restart on the 4th. This is causing me no end of sadness. That, coupled with the fact that my finances are so depleted this year there will be no going away to ring in the year. Traditionally, I hide on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I've done it for years. Parties are awful and disappointing. Lots of drunken idiots you don't know wishing you a happy year. Bah. Since '00 I've generally stayed home with a book and a movie and had a much better time. Actually, I prefer to be at the beach. Not necessarily anywhere warm, just near an ocean. I was hoping to sneak away for a day or two this year but I don't think that's possible.

Besides, I still have the piles (PILES) of paperwork that has been collecting over the last three months that needs my attention. I have a think about tying up all the old business before starting the new year.

I guess on some level keeping myself insanely busy forced me to maintain as much focus as possible. Exhausting, yes, but now there's the mountain of paperwork and office organization that I desperately need to do, but without a looming deadline from someone else (and no grade hanging over my head) I just can't seem to get it done.

Honestly, I'd just like to be a slug for about a week, watching old movies and doing a bit of needlepoint and painting. I'd like to simply let my brain do nothing. Ok, I was planning on cleaning off the treadmill and getting a bit of exercise too. But nothing cerebral. Nothing stressful. Nothing RUSHED. I'd planned as little driving as possible (preferably none) between the holidays but those plans are trashed (the hubby is going to Minnesota with his cousin so I'll be driving myself wherever I need to go).

There's never enough time. Days slip by and I don't seem to accomplish even a minimum of what I need to be getting done. I know this sounds like eveyone's life, but it didn't use to be mine. Not in this way. I still can't get used to it.

Missing In Action: The Blog's Not Over Yet

I have been remiss. Yes, I promised myself that I would post every day but if I've learned one thing in the last few months it is that I need to prioritize and I need to accommodate to what it possible for me. During this past month it was imperative that I make my classes a priority. This left little time for anything else. Between classes, doctoring, and my practicum, well, there was no social life, little sleep, and some downward mobility when it came to eating well and exercising.

Classes ended on Friday, today I'm finishing some doctoral program applications and Tuesday I take the GRE, so the big push isn't really over yet. I also have about 8 hours to finish for the practicum. Wednesday. Wednesday will be the official end of this crazy ride.

I wasn't able to write yesterday (the day originally slated as "Application Day") and I'm chalking that up to forcing myself to function at near exhaustion for the last week and a half. But after a solid 10 hours of sleep last night (I was in bed at 8pm) my brain is working much better today. Strangely, my time perception today is incredibly skewed. Hours are passing VERY S-L-O-W-L-Y. It's impossible to tell if this is due to the extended sleep or just the fact that I don't have to race off to class or an appointment and I'm not scrambling to finish a research paper, or if it's just my brain being strange. Perception of time is one of the things that definitely changed with the injury.

I am officially recommitting to this project. I actually missed writing here. There were days when I'd had experienced that were pertinent and wanted to write about them but was just way too tired to do it justice. I would like this blog to be more than just a diary of my trials and tribulations. I would like it to be useful and educational as well.

So, from now on, I'm back on the program and will be writing here as often as possible. Hopefully that will be everyday, but I have to admit that perhaps the "daily writing" goal was a bit over enthusiastic. That's not saying I won't write everyday, but I'll be happy with three times a week, and will attempt to make these entries meaningful, not just a dutiful few lines logged in order to fulfill my self-imposed requirement.

With that, I'm going back to writing my personal statement. Wish me luck.

Soldiering On

"It does not matter how slow you go, as long as you do not stop." Confucius

I've been less that dedicated to this blog lately, and that saddens me. This was something that I wanted to commit to and when I let it slip, I feel like it just one more way I let myself down. There are other priorities to be considered and sometimes, this is the lowest, that's just the truth of it. In the spirit of this project I have to acknowledge that it's better to let something like this slip for a bit, than to overly stress myself or stay up to late, etc.

Just because something is the right choice and makes the best sense doesn't mean I have to like it.

I've started doing yoga again, and that is definitely improving my pain levels and my flexibility. (Shocker, eh?) I have also started meditating again. It's just a simple mindfulness meditation practice that I've been doing before bed, but I think it's helping. I plan on trying to keep up both the yoga and the meditation and I think that is possible. Most of the large projects for this semester are finished, so things are not quite as desperate now. I still to catch up on Practicum hours but I think that will work itself out.

Hopefully, I can get some extra hours over the Thanksgiving break.

All that being said, I still can't wait till this semester is over. I wish I could go away for a week or even just a long weekend in December but I don't think that is possible considering the current state of my finances. Odds are my unemployment will be denied and that's going to hurt. This will also impact how I structure the next several months and what classes I take. I would really like to slow down a bit. Given the craziness of this semester, taking five classes while doing Practicum/Internship hours might not be the best choice for me. Unfortunately, delaying classes or taking fewer classes per semester could mean that my graduation would be delayed and that worries me, because, of course, that means a longer wait till I can start working in this field.

I think I'll be taking four next semester. Mondays and Wednesdays will be class days - there is a five week compressed course being offered in Philly that I would like to take but I think having the extra day off (or reserved for internship hours) and the reduction in driving is more important at this point.

Choices

"It is our choices that show who we really are... far more than our abilities." J. K. Rowling

In the midst of all this overwhelming work - practicum hours, papers, projects, doctoring, legal battles, caring for Gram - there are choices to be made. I need to think about the next phase of my education. Am I going on for PsyD or Phd work? I need to start applying for that. What classes am I taking next semester? How many?

Since I'm not working at the moment, I have to think about cash flow. It's still flowing out. That doesn't stop just because no more cash is flowing in. I'm ok for tuition as I've taken out loans but not working is making me a little crazy. I still have bills. I have LOTS of bills. I'm working on getting unemployment or temporary disability, and I can't fully express how negatively that is affecting me. Unemployment is one thing, disability is another. I don't want to admit that I have a disability, but I do.

I don't want to tell people about what's going on. "Saving face" and keeping up appearances is so important to me. Honestly, I wish I didn't care about that stuff, but I do and I don't know how to get out of that loop in my head. I called a prof today to tell him I couldn't make it to class. One of Gram's caregivers is sick, so I needed to be here with her, of course that's really an excuse I was looking for as I was exhausted from last night's class and didn't sleep well. I have a 10 page paper that is due on Monday and I'm fuzzy today. So I'm home, trying to work on this research, and I keep thinking about all this other stuff. I don't know if I will be able to take the number of courses I want to take next semester.

This semester was so difficult, part of me really wants to slow down a bit and only take three courses, but I also desperately want to finish this degree so I can attempt to get a job.

Unfortunately, my experiences this semester make me wonder if I can handle a 9-5 job. Honestly, I probably can't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to work a schedule like that. So what are my options? Part time practice and part time doctoral work? Full time doctoral work? Is it even worth it if I won't be able to work full time? Will it be worth paying off the student loans?

Maybe I should just stop at the Master's level? Then again, what's the point of having a semi-useful M.S. degree? But what's the point of a Phd or PsyD if I can't work? I keep telling myself that a private practice would allow me to arrange my schedule so I could work. You know, keep it to a manageable amount, etc. But I'm not at all sure that is a realistic possibility. I see how people work and what people do at my practicum and that is not what I want from a job. I hope that isn't the only option for mental health providers.

I hope I can make it through this semester with decent grades. Today's missed class may hurt me. Who knows? I do well in the class, at least I think I do, but attendance does count. I don't want to tell profs and people that I have these issues, largely because they are generally invisible - unless you're looking. Today, on the phone, I sounded like an idiot because I was having a very difficult time understanding Dr. E. That's me, that's my brain - I can't stand talking on the phone with people anymore. Unless it's someone I know and speak to on the phone often, it is tremendously difficult for me to understand and process language.

I don't know how to let people know about my difficulties (disabilities) without having them think less of me. I don't want to sound like a whiner, or like I am asking for special treatment. At the same time, I don't want anyone to misinterpret my behaviour and think I'm an asshole or inefficient or lazy.

Even though I have choices, many times there is no satisfying solution.

Beautifall

"You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live." Joan Baez

It's a gorgeous day, about 75 degrees and I've been inside all day. The last few weeks has been full of scrambling to finish projects and get caught up. I'm still woefully behind in terms of Practicum hours but I soldier on.

It's 3:30 and I am leaving - right now. To go wash my car and go for a short walk. The day is too beautiful to waste. Sure, I'll pay for this later as this week shows no signs of being easier or less overscheduled. I lost time yesterday with visitors but that was worth it. Everyone needs some socialization and that includes me.

I really am seeing the effects of brain problems. The more stressed I get the easier it is for me to get off track cognitively, and, of course, memory is affected. My Culture class was cancelled the week before last and I couldn't remember that at Friday's class. There were also some assignments that I missed. I STILL don't understand that. Everyone else seemed to have them but I didn't. I even went home and checked online and couldn't find information on the course website either. Honestly, I have no idea what happened there and how I got so confused. It really felt like I'd lose time somehow. I think I managed to cover - mostly, but it's an awful feeling not knowing what's going on yet being perfectly aware that you've missed something vital - again.

Right now, however, it is vital that I get outside while the sun is shining.

"Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out." James Bryant Conant

I spent most of the day like that picture, pouring over some old charts and getting some practice with discharge summaries. Now, my neck is all out of whack and I have a screaming headache.

I should be in bed by now. Class starts early tomorrow, and I'm going to try to get some more practicum hours after that.

The last few days have been hard physically. The weather has been damp and unpleasant and my body just doesn't like that sort of thing anymore. I'm also kind of tapped out mentally. I've basically been doing a full 9 - 5 day - or longer - and honestly, I can't really handle that yet. I don't know if I ever will be able to do a regular work week. I start to drag around 1:30 if I start at 9. It's worse if I have to interact with other people. Conversation is one of the most taxing things for me.

I know, talking to people doesn't sound like it's that big a deal, right? Well, it's not. At least not for normal people, but I'm still trying to "pass" as normal, so it takes quite a bit out of me. I guess because the regular pace of conversation is sometimes faster than my brain can find words. I think that's probably the crux of it - the word-finding part. But it's not just the word-finding it's the finding and then speaking. Sometimes I have the word but I just can't get it out.

And then there's the pain portion. Think about how difficult it is to think straight when you have a headache. Now consider what it would be like to have that headache all the time. That's what it's like living with chronic pain. It's always there, even when it's not really bad, it's still on the radar, still consuming energy. It's rather like a trojan virus on a computer, just taking up space, hogging the hard drive so your computer can't think anymore. That's what chronic, even low level, pain does to the human brain.

So it's an effort to be present and communicate and interact and live a normal life. It's exhausting, and by the time I'm done at 4:30 or 5, I AM DONE. I don't want to talk to anyone else, not my husband, not my family, no one. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want to participate. All I want is to veg out and either read or watch a movie or make something. Although, even that is dependent on what else I did during the day. I have a limited tolerance for reading and writing activities now and limited ability to focus visually.

I'm still struggling with all this trying to understand how to balance everything and figure out what it means to be brain damaged or disabled or whatever I am now.