Soldiering On

"It does not matter how slow you go, as long as you do not stop." Confucius

I've been less that dedicated to this blog lately, and that saddens me. This was something that I wanted to commit to and when I let it slip, I feel like it just one more way I let myself down. There are other priorities to be considered and sometimes, this is the lowest, that's just the truth of it. In the spirit of this project I have to acknowledge that it's better to let something like this slip for a bit, than to overly stress myself or stay up to late, etc.

Just because something is the right choice and makes the best sense doesn't mean I have to like it.

I've started doing yoga again, and that is definitely improving my pain levels and my flexibility. (Shocker, eh?) I have also started meditating again. It's just a simple mindfulness meditation practice that I've been doing before bed, but I think it's helping. I plan on trying to keep up both the yoga and the meditation and I think that is possible. Most of the large projects for this semester are finished, so things are not quite as desperate now. I still to catch up on Practicum hours but I think that will work itself out.

Hopefully, I can get some extra hours over the Thanksgiving break.

All that being said, I still can't wait till this semester is over. I wish I could go away for a week or even just a long weekend in December but I don't think that is possible considering the current state of my finances. Odds are my unemployment will be denied and that's going to hurt. This will also impact how I structure the next several months and what classes I take. I would really like to slow down a bit. Given the craziness of this semester, taking five classes while doing Practicum/Internship hours might not be the best choice for me. Unfortunately, delaying classes or taking fewer classes per semester could mean that my graduation would be delayed and that worries me, because, of course, that means a longer wait till I can start working in this field.

I think I'll be taking four next semester. Mondays and Wednesdays will be class days - there is a five week compressed course being offered in Philly that I would like to take but I think having the extra day off (or reserved for internship hours) and the reduction in driving is more important at this point.

Choices

"It is our choices that show who we really are... far more than our abilities." J. K. Rowling

In the midst of all this overwhelming work - practicum hours, papers, projects, doctoring, legal battles, caring for Gram - there are choices to be made. I need to think about the next phase of my education. Am I going on for PsyD or Phd work? I need to start applying for that. What classes am I taking next semester? How many?

Since I'm not working at the moment, I have to think about cash flow. It's still flowing out. That doesn't stop just because no more cash is flowing in. I'm ok for tuition as I've taken out loans but not working is making me a little crazy. I still have bills. I have LOTS of bills. I'm working on getting unemployment or temporary disability, and I can't fully express how negatively that is affecting me. Unemployment is one thing, disability is another. I don't want to admit that I have a disability, but I do.

I don't want to tell people about what's going on. "Saving face" and keeping up appearances is so important to me. Honestly, I wish I didn't care about that stuff, but I do and I don't know how to get out of that loop in my head. I called a prof today to tell him I couldn't make it to class. One of Gram's caregivers is sick, so I needed to be here with her, of course that's really an excuse I was looking for as I was exhausted from last night's class and didn't sleep well. I have a 10 page paper that is due on Monday and I'm fuzzy today. So I'm home, trying to work on this research, and I keep thinking about all this other stuff. I don't know if I will be able to take the number of courses I want to take next semester.

This semester was so difficult, part of me really wants to slow down a bit and only take three courses, but I also desperately want to finish this degree so I can attempt to get a job.

Unfortunately, my experiences this semester make me wonder if I can handle a 9-5 job. Honestly, I probably can't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to work a schedule like that. So what are my options? Part time practice and part time doctoral work? Full time doctoral work? Is it even worth it if I won't be able to work full time? Will it be worth paying off the student loans?

Maybe I should just stop at the Master's level? Then again, what's the point of having a semi-useful M.S. degree? But what's the point of a Phd or PsyD if I can't work? I keep telling myself that a private practice would allow me to arrange my schedule so I could work. You know, keep it to a manageable amount, etc. But I'm not at all sure that is a realistic possibility. I see how people work and what people do at my practicum and that is not what I want from a job. I hope that isn't the only option for mental health providers.

I hope I can make it through this semester with decent grades. Today's missed class may hurt me. Who knows? I do well in the class, at least I think I do, but attendance does count. I don't want to tell profs and people that I have these issues, largely because they are generally invisible - unless you're looking. Today, on the phone, I sounded like an idiot because I was having a very difficult time understanding Dr. E. That's me, that's my brain - I can't stand talking on the phone with people anymore. Unless it's someone I know and speak to on the phone often, it is tremendously difficult for me to understand and process language.

I don't know how to let people know about my difficulties (disabilities) without having them think less of me. I don't want to sound like a whiner, or like I am asking for special treatment. At the same time, I don't want anyone to misinterpret my behaviour and think I'm an asshole or inefficient or lazy.

Even though I have choices, many times there is no satisfying solution.

Beautifall

"You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live." Joan Baez

It's a gorgeous day, about 75 degrees and I've been inside all day. The last few weeks has been full of scrambling to finish projects and get caught up. I'm still woefully behind in terms of Practicum hours but I soldier on.

It's 3:30 and I am leaving - right now. To go wash my car and go for a short walk. The day is too beautiful to waste. Sure, I'll pay for this later as this week shows no signs of being easier or less overscheduled. I lost time yesterday with visitors but that was worth it. Everyone needs some socialization and that includes me.

I really am seeing the effects of brain problems. The more stressed I get the easier it is for me to get off track cognitively, and, of course, memory is affected. My Culture class was cancelled the week before last and I couldn't remember that at Friday's class. There were also some assignments that I missed. I STILL don't understand that. Everyone else seemed to have them but I didn't. I even went home and checked online and couldn't find information on the course website either. Honestly, I have no idea what happened there and how I got so confused. It really felt like I'd lose time somehow. I think I managed to cover - mostly, but it's an awful feeling not knowing what's going on yet being perfectly aware that you've missed something vital - again.

Right now, however, it is vital that I get outside while the sun is shining.

"Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out." James Bryant Conant

I spent most of the day like that picture, pouring over some old charts and getting some practice with discharge summaries. Now, my neck is all out of whack and I have a screaming headache.

I should be in bed by now. Class starts early tomorrow, and I'm going to try to get some more practicum hours after that.

The last few days have been hard physically. The weather has been damp and unpleasant and my body just doesn't like that sort of thing anymore. I'm also kind of tapped out mentally. I've basically been doing a full 9 - 5 day - or longer - and honestly, I can't really handle that yet. I don't know if I ever will be able to do a regular work week. I start to drag around 1:30 if I start at 9. It's worse if I have to interact with other people. Conversation is one of the most taxing things for me.

I know, talking to people doesn't sound like it's that big a deal, right? Well, it's not. At least not for normal people, but I'm still trying to "pass" as normal, so it takes quite a bit out of me. I guess because the regular pace of conversation is sometimes faster than my brain can find words. I think that's probably the crux of it - the word-finding part. But it's not just the word-finding it's the finding and then speaking. Sometimes I have the word but I just can't get it out.

And then there's the pain portion. Think about how difficult it is to think straight when you have a headache. Now consider what it would be like to have that headache all the time. That's what it's like living with chronic pain. It's always there, even when it's not really bad, it's still on the radar, still consuming energy. It's rather like a trojan virus on a computer, just taking up space, hogging the hard drive so your computer can't think anymore. That's what chronic, even low level, pain does to the human brain.

So it's an effort to be present and communicate and interact and live a normal life. It's exhausting, and by the time I'm done at 4:30 or 5, I AM DONE. I don't want to talk to anyone else, not my husband, not my family, no one. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want to participate. All I want is to veg out and either read or watch a movie or make something. Although, even that is dependent on what else I did during the day. I have a limited tolerance for reading and writing activities now and limited ability to focus visually.

I'm still struggling with all this trying to understand how to balance everything and figure out what it means to be brain damaged or disabled or whatever I am now.

Giving Up

WTF? Someone helpfully removed some viruses from my computer and now several vital functions no longer work. Like copy and paste. I can copy but I can no longer paste.

Oy.

So, I give up. Suddenly everything is a fucking CHORE. Nothing works well or correctly. Things that took one step now take four. And even then success is only a slight possibility.

There's already enough crap going on in my life. I don't need things to be more difficult than they already are.

My car is making horrible noises.

My water heater just crapped out, leaking all over the floor and spewing hot water out of the emergency hose.

I think my practicum boss was annoyed that my husband came to bring me lunch. (He came from the warehouse and was dressed like one of our "clients".)

I have heartburn.

There are three pages of work waiting for me and I'm not doing it.

C. is working tomorrow (into Friday) so that's two fewer days he will have to get the house ready for this weekend. We're supposed to have guests on Sunday and he promised he would take care of the house.

My sleep has been awful. I can get to sleep but I can't stay there. The last several days have been rough. I'm definitely not getting enough sleep or at least not long enough stretches of sleep. C. says I'm waking up about every 15 to 20 minutes. Ugh.

I don't think any of this is ever going to get any better.

I will always feel overwhelmed. My house will always be trashed. I will never be able to find anything. I will never get a good job. I will always be in pain and not feel like myself. I will never get a good night's sleep.

(Sorry, it's a bit of a pity party again. I'm just feeling like things look pretty dismal tonight.) It's the rain. I blame the rain.

Duh. I Am Smart.

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

Last week I gave a presentation on Gifted Girls in my Lifespan Development class. My opener was asking the class to name some geniuses. They did exactly what I wanted and expected them to do and came up with several dead white males. I wrote them on the board as they called out the names and misspelled three out of five.

At that point I figured I should probably leave out the part about actually being a gifted girl.

I'm struggling at this point with being a smart person with a retarded brain. The work for my classes is piling up and I am, frankly, overwhelmed. Between regular school work and getting enough hours for my practicum and dealing with Gram and my own health crises, there isn't enough time or energy left over for anything else. Sometimes there isn't enough time or energy to even complete those things.

C. and my therapist both think I should speak to my profs about this issue. I'd rather eat a bug.

I've already been late with several assignments this semester. I HAVE talked to them, mostly about the Gram and health issues and they've been very understanding but I do not want to have to go to these people and tell them that now I need MORE help and more time and more exceptions because I'm retarded.

I know, the term "retarded" is not in fashion any longer. Well, I'm taking it back. At least in terms of learning disabilities and developmental delays. Really.... "retarded" is the best term in these cases. "Retarded" means "slowed". "Developmentally delayed" means the same thing as "retarded". Duh.

There really isn't an appropriate term for what I am. Brain damaged is, I guess, the best word for it. I do have brain damage, but that still isn't really descriptive or remotely illuminating, especially in my case where the damage may be, largely, invisible.

I'm ok in class. I can keep up and participate in discussions and I'm sure no one knows there is a problem. Until I have to write something on the board and they see how bad my spelling is. They don't see the typos and rewrites and hours of not being able to concentrate at home. They don't see how after I'm "on" in a class or at work I just collapse at home, barely able to form a sentence.

I don't know how to be both smart and brain damaged. For me, and I think for many people, those two things are mutually exclusive. You can't be both smart and retarded. It just doesn't work like that.

Except for situations like mine, when it does.

Happy Meat

"The true object of all human life is play." - G. K. Chesterton

Today's been difficult all around, and I was looking for something completely different to write about when I, inexplicably, found this.

Happy Face Lunchmeat!

I think smiling happy bologna might just make everything in my life OK again.

Sometimes you find exactly what you need, when you need it, ridiculous as that thing may seem to others. Really, humor goes a long way and I'm smiling right now. Just like that highly processed nitrate-filled mystery meat.

Yeah.

:)